I’m still incredibly angry at my brother for his drug addiction. The level of my anger is probably equal to that of my pride in him for asking for help, taking rehab seriously and getting himself clean.  Every day I say a little prayer he continues to find the strength he needs to stay sober and I’m truly happy for what he has accomplished.

That said, I’m still waiting for my apology. The real, heartfelt apology. I want him to know that it was me that called Mom every day, that tried to make her smile, reminded her she couldn’t control everything. My Dad travels a lot for work and it was me that she called when she’d find something suspicious. When she realized something didn’t add up., that money was missing, that he wasn’t answering his phone. She called me when she went to surprise my brother at work and he wasn’t there- hadn’t been there for a month-but had certainly left the house in his work uniform hours earlier.  I’m the one my parents told, in terse tones, that they were tired because they’d spent another night driving around looking for him in a bad part of town.

I wonder if he knows how many times I’d call his phone in a night, praying he would answer, so I could text my parents that I’d gotten ahold of him, that he was still breathing and living. I’m sure he was too high to notice the number of missed calls. I wonder if he knows how awful that phone call was, the one where the car had been found but his body hadn’t been. Of course, later, hours later after the rush to the car, the race to the interstate, the phone calls from the police we discovered he didn’t have his car that night, it wasn’t him that destroyed it, and somehow, miraculously all the occupants were ok.

I’m so proud of the man that he has become. I’m so proud that he overcame this. I’m happy we have normal conversations where we complain about work and talk about grandma’s latest antics. My brother, the one who barely spoke to me for three years apparently told his new wife that he aspires to be like me and that my accomplishments make him proud.

I’m proud of him too. I’d be prouder if he said he was sorry.