Nothing to Cheer About
Sep 3rd, 2009 by Lola
My wife and I are both children of alcoholics. “They” claim that because children of alcoholics see the havoc that is wrecked in their parents’ lives, that the disease skips a generation. Meaning that though my wife and I may not become alcoholics, our children’s odds are not good.
That scares the hell out me.
Sometimes I feel I “need” a drink; other times, I “earned” it. I have gone without any liquor for over a year, and so I know I CAN go without, but I admit that my life is better, more fully felt, more fully enjoyed, more appreciated, with the aid of a glass of wine. Or half a bottle.
Lately, I’ve been drinking daily. Not more than two, three tops, servings a day. Not enough to leave me with a headache in the morning, but enough to make my sleep rattled.
And I know two a day isn’t terrible. But each morning I wake up and say to myself, “None tonight.” And as the afternoon wanes, I start to feel the itch. What’s one glass of wine? Or one beer? And thus I succumb.
And in the clear light of day, even the foggy haze of evening, I KNOW my “problem” (see how I put it in quotes to minimize it?) is nothing compared to what I grew up witnessing. My worst fear, however, is whether I (and/or my wife) have passed this alcoholism gene on to our children. Is this to be their problem, too? And is my current condition the worst I’d wish on them because in reality it is far better than what my spouse and I grew up with?
Aside from chosing to kick ALL liquor out of our lives, is there anything we can do to assure our children alcoholism will NOT be a part of their future? Will it require us to have no booze in our lives ever? And if so, can my wife and I truly kick the habit? A habit that is bigger than the two of us apart, and maybe even the two of us together?
Stumble it!
I think that it is probably less about how much and how often you are currently drinking and more about your behavior. An acquaintance of mine discovered that his dad is a “dry drunk.” In other words, his father acts like a drunk even though he has never had a drink in his life. He’s aggressive, angry, holds to irrational “rules” despite knowing he’s making a situation worse, and so on and so forth. And, it is everyone else’s fault, not his own. If only everyone else would behave appropriately, he wouldn’t have to play bad guy.
In my experience, this is the damage of alcoholism on children and those around the alcoholic. (Also the variation where a child has to take care of a parent – but that’s the flip side of the same coin – not accepting responsibility for actions.)
Over the last few years, I’ve found myself in the same position you’re describing and I would gamble that many adult children of alcoholics do the same. Most of us don’t know what it is to use alcohol in a “normal” way and we become overly obsessed with how much we drink and what that might mean.
My theory is there is that you can abuse alcohol without being an alcoholic. It sounds like right now because you are telling yourself you’re not going to drink, but then come home and have one or two servings, you’re perhaps abusing it, but not necessarily going too far. A true alcoholic would most likely not be able to stop at a serving or two.
Rather than worrying about exactly how much you’re drinking, maybe you should look at why? If it’s to unwind, can you quit being hard on yourself for using the alcohol and practice another method of unwinding (for now without forcing yourself to quit the drinking as well). Let the drop in alcohol come organically instead of using that rigid thinking “I Must Quit This.”
I’ve written too much, sorry. I hope you have found this at least somewhat useful. Even if you only take away that you are not, by far, the only one.
I forgot to say – the more you can model other ways of handling stress to your children and help them discover ways of handling stress that help them, they’re going to remember that far more than a drink or two a night.
And in my experience, children of teetotalers are far more likely to go too far with alcohol than children who learn to see it used in moderation.
Chris, thank you for your thoughtful comment — it isn’t too long! You make a lot of sense. I feel better and will take your advise and try to incorporate alcohol organically into my life. And try to lose the guilt. Thanks again.